Now it's been a year and a month and there is no way my life would be like this if I hadn't stopped drinking. I have been at the fire station for over two months and now have my fire number. My uniform should be there when I do to training tomorrow night and I have been assigned to a watch (shift) and have a pager.
I get up at all hours of the night, jump in the car drive up the road, change into my level 2's and in the truck in 1 min 30 sec from being dead asleep. I am a rookie so sometimes I get into the wrong truck or get chucked off as it's a serious fire or serious car accident. My training course is in late February so am training like mad. Learning to fire-person lift a 90kg dummy, get very friendly with my breathing apparatus (so I don't want to rip it off) and condition myself to be hot and uncomfortable is not a place I would have imagined being in at age 50 in my wildest dreams. We have to be first responders so that includes medical, also civil emergencies and motor vehicle accidents.
On my course I need to be able to enter a 300 degree Celsius room - in the dark and rescue dummies (hotter than cooking pizza).
I said "I don't want to turn 50 like this" and didn't. Out of that has come things that way exceed any expectations or imagination of what my life would be like. I was drinking to zone out, to fade away, I wanted to die so badly. My life was over in my mind and I have no doubt that I would of kept going that way until the kids left home (with no respect for an alcoholic mother), no further in my career and just treading water until eventually I was dead. This isn't a morbid possibility, this would have become fact, no question in my mind.
Change doesn't happen automatically, fate will not sort out the good people from the bad and life isn't fair nor balanced. Karma is a great concept but if we continue to wait for that to happen perhaps we may be on our death bed when we realise "hey, maybe there is no such thing as Karma".
I was so lonely, focused on being partner-less and frustrated with the world. Now, surrounded by single firemen who actually ask me out!! and they are cute! I am not interested. Genuinely not interested. Perhaps if I got to know one of them over a long period of time, maybe it may happen, but nothing is going to happen quickly anymore. That is not responsible, to myself, to my family and to them. So for the first time in my life I am a grown up, excited about things but no longer impulsive.
Thank you to this blog, giving me the support and courage to get here. AA wasn't possible for me location etc, Smart recovery is in its infancy here and I really struggled to find support as my dr etc normalised my drinking as "everyone drinks so what's the big problem".
This blog saved me and for that I am eternally grateful.
Loads of love to everyone over Christmas